Mistakes

I had a dream today. Actually two, but I'm almost sure the first one is from Him and I need to write it down.

It was about My Uncle Michael. He is my mom's younger brother. He is 32 and has three kids. His wife is in Sweden and he spends all of his time on the computer playing RPG games similar to WOW but in space.

In my dream, I saw him and I had this feeling that I was judging him for not being ambitious, for his failing marriage, for his passivity regarding the raising of his children, for his lack of initiative and for his dependence on his parents (my grandparents).

And I realized something huge. How can I love someone, even say that I love them, when I look down on them, resent them for their actions, and in general dislike them for their flaws though I say that I love them. How can I think this of family? And how much more does it come across to strangers?

Through my Uncle, it felt as if God was speaking to me, telling me that I am wrong in acting that way. That I am wrong to act so childishly towards my brother, uncle, and father. Yes...they disappointed me, but that is not a reason to treat them as lesser. It also shows my pride. That is where my second dream comes in. I think.

In my second dream I am at the airport. I am going through passport check and I discover that both of my passports lack the picture. I have other identification on me with my name on it and picture but it's a struggle to get the guard to let me pass. In the end he agrees but I know that I will have to go through the same hassle when I try to pass with my bags. Worst of all, I don't know how this happened though then I have this vision of me ripping the pictures out on the plane, but when I look for them thinking that they just fell out, I can't find them.

The reason I think this might have something to do with pride is because I have a lot of it. It is the angry voice that yells at my roommates in my head for being their cleaning lady. Mom told me to stop cleaning, but it bothers me. And I have nothing to cook or eat with when things are dirty. So even though I act as if I'm doing them a favor, in actuality, I'm looking out for number one.

This is a nasty thing to admit about myself. I am proud and judgmental, but I think that's what God is trying to tell me. Again. That I have no reason to be. My mother and grandmother do things freely of themselves. They serve people in the way they know how. They show God's love. And it made me think again about evangelism. Only when necessary, use words. Yet my actions have not spoken well of me. They show me that I am not like them, and I should try to be more like them. Less proud, more helpful.

The second dream also scared the beegeesus out of me. And reminded me that I need to pick my ten year passport up from the consulate. yep! Eep!