a crazy summer

I don't know what the plan is anymore...I'm worried about my spiritual self again...It's strange how easily I fall into doubt and sin. And worst of all, I make the same mistakes all the time.

I always struggle with prayer, even though my very spirit wants to...yet something causes the words to stick in my throat. 

And work...it kills my soul and dreams a little more each day...but it offers the sly little gift of being a stable paycheck. And a part of me wants to be a guide for all my fellow workers...but I think I am quite too weak and sinful to be a good example. It is one thing I lack much of...and that is constancy--in mood, in belief, and in determination. 

But...I am tired now...and I will go to bed. I have a date to play tennis with a friend at 8 am. 

it's been two weeks

Present status of things:

I have yet to find a job.

Every weekend has been a party, a dinner, or some other form of socialization. (I have two more to go and three behind me!)

I have been trying to figure out what God's purpose for me is.

I've been looking for answers in all the wrong places.

My room still looks like a battlezone. The doorway has a very small Gibraltar like entrance and my clothes, books, papers, and etc are all over the place. It is a mess.

I finally have a Driver's License. YAY!

Today was day 1 of a a diet-exercise program to lose weight. My goal: 80 lbs.

My sister graduated yesterday. She is now officially in college.

I splurged yesterday on books like Captivating and others by the Eldreges.

I think I found another person to play 7th Sea with the peeps. I kind of think he asked me out too...what is it about parties that brings out my happy perky self? And why are guys attracted to that side?

Questions Questions....

Today is more cleaning day. And that's all for now!

Mistakes

I had a dream today. Actually two, but I'm almost sure the first one is from Him and I need to write it down.

It was about My Uncle Michael. He is my mom's younger brother. He is 32 and has three kids. His wife is in Sweden and he spends all of his time on the computer playing RPG games similar to WOW but in space.

In my dream, I saw him and I had this feeling that I was judging him for not being ambitious, for his failing marriage, for his passivity regarding the raising of his children, for his lack of initiative and for his dependence on his parents (my grandparents).

And I realized something huge. How can I love someone, even say that I love them, when I look down on them, resent them for their actions, and in general dislike them for their flaws though I say that I love them. How can I think this of family? And how much more does it come across to strangers?

Through my Uncle, it felt as if God was speaking to me, telling me that I am wrong in acting that way. That I am wrong to act so childishly towards my brother, uncle, and father. Yes...they disappointed me, but that is not a reason to treat them as lesser. It also shows my pride. That is where my second dream comes in. I think.

In my second dream I am at the airport. I am going through passport check and I discover that both of my passports lack the picture. I have other identification on me with my name on it and picture but it's a struggle to get the guard to let me pass. In the end he agrees but I know that I will have to go through the same hassle when I try to pass with my bags. Worst of all, I don't know how this happened though then I have this vision of me ripping the pictures out on the plane, but when I look for them thinking that they just fell out, I can't find them.

The reason I think this might have something to do with pride is because I have a lot of it. It is the angry voice that yells at my roommates in my head for being their cleaning lady. Mom told me to stop cleaning, but it bothers me. And I have nothing to cook or eat with when things are dirty. So even though I act as if I'm doing them a favor, in actuality, I'm looking out for number one.

This is a nasty thing to admit about myself. I am proud and judgmental, but I think that's what God is trying to tell me. Again. That I have no reason to be. My mother and grandmother do things freely of themselves. They serve people in the way they know how. They show God's love. And it made me think again about evangelism. Only when necessary, use words. Yet my actions have not spoken well of me. They show me that I am not like them, and I should try to be more like them. Less proud, more helpful.

The second dream also scared the beegeesus out of me. And reminded me that I need to pick my ten year passport up from the consulate. yep! Eep!

hearing the message

Yesterday I had a tiny breakdown. My friend walked with me and cheered me up, but not until today did I realize that a prayer was being answered. A prayer I didn't realize or remember I made.

I spoke with a girl today that I've envied since my freshman year. As a senior in college, it's been a long held grudge. But this semester, I noticed that she is not the same person, and neither was I. And I walked over and talked with her and found out about how she was feeling. She was not having a good Friday either. She smiled when I asked her if she was feeling better. And it made me feel good, too.

Then as I left the library I saw a freshman girl I met at a play. She's tiny. A tiny Asian, but so energetic and excited about everything that she reminds me of my friend Sarah. She looked kind of sad and stressed. Mostly stressed. After I asked her about her summer plans and we chatted for a bit she said something that really hit home.

She told me that my smile cheered her up. That it was warm and said that everything was going to be ok. As cheesy as that sounds coming from me, the way she said it made it all the more important. As a writer, I don't always remember everything word for word, but I remember the feeling I got. I felt this warmth inside despite the cloudy sky and the rain-warning-laden-wind. I felt my lips and face and eyes smiling for no reason and without a sense of awkwardness at all. It felt as if my heart was opening up again. That God was warming my compassionate heart with a flicker of flame and it made me happy. Happy inside of my soul in a calm and peaceful way, the way only God knows how.

The reason this is important is because for a long time I've felt as if I was carrying a rock inside, one that felt cold and heavy, and I felt guilty. Guilty for not feeling the love I knew I felt for my family. I'm not sure when it started, but at one point my heart just shut down. I was terrified of loving because I learned that it only meant pain. At least that was what I thought was the lesson.
Her words cheered me because I've struggled with my faith for 11 years always tottering between spirituality and secularity. I wanted to be part of both worlds and only found myself both ripped and divided and unhappy. I didn't want a life without God, but I was scared of the life God offered me.

And so I hid.

But God has been pursuing me, and last year around this time I thought I would be with him forever, but then I fell again. I went abroad and tasted the secular again. And then came back to college and have fought to leave the clinging smell and world of the secular since, but each time have allowed myself to be pulled back.

And then my computer crashed.

It turned on again at the shop and I had enough time to pull off all of my most important files before it crashed again as I was working on a paper. I spent until 1 pm on Friday working on it. It was part of the reason I almost broke down in the evening.

So today, having her speak about my smile cheered me up. And as I write I realize that it's not the first time I've heard this. My friend Edith's almost first words when she saw me after my study abroad were: "I've missed your smile." And even though she said that it made her happy to see me and my smile, I didn't believe that my smile had anything to do with it.

Hearing it from the girl though, made it real. It also made me think of evangelism. Of how God is seen in the face of his believers, those that follow him, how just by being in their presence a person feels drawn to their secret. It's true. I get that feeling when I'm with Edith every time. She makes me feel safe and wanted. She is inviting. And beautiful, though if I told her she wouldn't believe me. She'd think I was quoting "Captivating" and she'd be right, but it's true.

And today, when the girl mentioned my smile, I felt beautiful because of it's inviting/warm nature. And that made me happy.